Snakes in Tennessee

Thamnophis sirtalis sirtalis, Cumberland County, Tennessee
Nerodia sipedon, Burgess Falls State Park, Putnam County, Tennessee
Opheodrys aestivus, Burgess Falls State Park, White County, Tennessee 1
Lampropeltis nigra, Big South Fork NRRA, Scott County, Tennessee 3
Every year indoors people make dangerous plans to go outside the walls of their own home. With no context for ever having been outside, their number one concern is rightly snakes. Forums are full of "how do I avoid snakes" questions. I wrote this simple guide to help deal with snakes.

Being outside in Tennessee is literally no different than swimming in a sea of snakes. You want to learn to keep your head above the snakes, because you cannot breathe snakes and you will suffocate. Treading snakes is little like treading water, but only if the water were snakes. Avoid snake rains entirely. You'll want to be inside when it is raining snakes, which is about 50% of the time.

If you learn to tread snakes, congratulations, you're halfway to enjoying the eternal bliss that is Tennessee! Oh no! That snake is poisonous! What do you do?
1) Eat the snake
2) Swim away slowly
3) Eat the snake
4) Swim violently in the snake sea to frighten the poisonous snake.

If you answered either 2 or 4, you're good and the snake won't poison you.

Let's not forget about those venomous snakes though. All they want to do is bite a human, especially you. How can you avoid that? You cannot. They are coming for you now. All of them are on their way to bite you this very moment.

Climb onto your roof and prepare for the sea of snakes to surge violently at you. It will be like a zombie movie but with snakes and where all the zombies only want to attack you. You cannot escape the snakes. They are everywhere. Your house: snakes. Your parents: snakes. The letters you are reading: snakes. Join the snakes.

OR

You could just pay attention to where you walk. Either or.

Pantherophis spiloides, Frozen Head SNA, Morgan County, Tennessee 1

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